things i want

THINGS I WANT NOW:

iphone so i can take instagram pictures on the go

washi tape

gel pens

divine twine

vellum envelpes

a pen pal...   all for cute letters

tools and such to make homemade stamps (also for cute letters)

money for decorating, books, magazines, flea markets

Starting over at 35

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Before I even realize it, a week has gone by. All the stuff I meant to do just piles up. Why can"t I just be who I want to be, instead of who I am? *sigh* I got a couple books today, Unstuck and Illustration school; lets draw cute animals. I love the animal book, I have been doodling all kinds of little animals. Sometimes I feel like I am in a rut so big that I will never get out of it, but I am taking baby steps. One day I'll climb out of it and be the creative, happy go lucky, artist I wish to be... that is if time allows.

Yorkie

A lady came into the store today with the sweetest little Yorkie. She bought a winter coat for it and I about died, it was licking me and she said I had a new friend. Aww, now I kinda want a Yorkie. :)

Lost

I've been a bit lost lately, hence the lack of posts. Mostly I have been sleeping my days away. I hate that I do that, but I cant seem to stop. Even the coffee doesn't help. Ugh. Today I have been playing on Tumblr and working on my own inspiration book. I get overwhelmed with the amount of projects I want to do and money I want to spend (but don't have) that I can't seem to start. I never did finish the bathroom. :/ What a crazy mess my brain is. On a happy note, I had my first pottery class. I was of course nervous as all get out (even got dizzy as I approached the door) but I am super excited to be over that hurdle and start creating. It's been so long that it isn't as automatic as it once was for me, and actually a little hard to use the right pressure with my fingers. I didn't think about my stupid neurological issues with my fingers. Oh well, it was fun to get dirty. :) Now if only I would get motivated to pull out my watercolors... even just painting blocks of color would be something. Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to me, why did I abandon the one thing I really love about life (being creative, making art). I don't even have kids to blame it on, I simply became lazy. I just got to keep at it. Even baby steps are steps forward.  

Depression Sucks

I'm having a hard time today. I hate depression. I'm all bummed out and I don't even know why. I had to force myself to get in the shower and get out of the house. I went to the local thrift store. Not as fun as I hoped it would be. I got another cork board. That makes three now. HaHa It's my thing ya know.. I really should stop buying things I don't need. :( I wasn't even with it enough to do a collage or anything today. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. *sigh*

side note

*Side Note to previous post*
I ate my cereal out of a bowl I made in high school. :)

Art?

I totally need to simplify. I love so many things... how do I narrow it down? The image above was pulled from a wonderful blog I follow. I so want to be this woman! Makes me want to lose weight simply because I want to wear vintage clothing. I want to furnish my house with junk finds from flea markets, thrift stores, ect. I want a distinct personal style. I want to travel and camp. I want to enjoy the simple things in life. I want to do something creative with my life. I'm hoping my upcoming pottery class provides some inspiration. When I talk about pottery it all makes since. In high school pottery was my favorite class. I became a teacher's assistant, and even did a few demonstrations on wheel throwing. They opened up the studio every Saturday, and I was there! When I went to college I wanted to major in ceramics. I ended up hearing through the grapevine that my instructor thought I was no good, and I ended up getting a C grade. I was devastated.  I changed my major immediately and ended up on academic probation. Life got real confusing there for awhile. I decided it was best to drop out of college and take care of some personal issues. At one point I did sign up for a ceramics class at the local community college, but I wasn't ready. I went to a few classes and just never went went back. I left all my tools and everything. I haven't touched clay since. Only recently with the help of a therapist, I realize I light up when I talk about those days in high school. He convinced me to try it again and not worry so much about the outcome, but focus on how working with clay makes me feel. So I am giving it a go. I am excited and nervous at the same time. Its definitely out of my comfort zone to start something new like this. I really hope I get something out of this... like a career? Okay, I doubt that, but one can dream. If nothing else I hope it opens up the world of art to me again. Someday I want to try watercolor again too, but one thing at a time.

Master Bath

Okay, so I'm lazy and I hate to clean, but I think my first project this year will be a complete overhaul of the master bathroom. It's dirty, messy, has tons of expired crap in it, and bottles of body wash from who knows when. I want a clean counter, everything in its place. I want it to be a place to relax, not the omg get me out of here hole that it is. lol. I vow to work on this Wednesday, my next day off. If I can clean public toilets at work, I should have no problem cleaning this. Ugh, I hate cleaning. De-cluttering and maybe getting more sunlight in there would do wonders for my psyche. I just need to start. Motivation is so hard when your stuck in a clinical depressive slump. I can do this!  

Kind of bummed

Kind of bummed today. As much as I don't want to, I take three antidepressants a day. A few days off routine and I forgot to take them two days in a row. Now I feel all screwed up. I can't explain it other than feeling just off. I didn't want to do anything today, but I did manage to pull it together and dye my hair (yup, red) and make dinner with the help of my husband. We had grilled chicken, baked potatoes, and boiled carrots. I am really trying to stick to the real food thing. It's hard. Its so much easier to order a pizza ya know? I am such the emotional eater too. Even now I sit here with a bag of Hershey's hugs. I think my next goal will be real breakfast food. I start every morning with kids cereal. I never really considered it that bad until I saw how hard it is on my husband. So I'm off to make a grocery list. Bran flakes, bananas, and blueberries... makes a decent breakfast right?  

Doggie Inspiration

I love my cats. I grew up with cats. My grandmother was a cat breeder. However I think I want a dog. If for no other reason, just to take it with me on walks. Okay, I want one for more reasons than that, but that's a biggie. A dog is like a step up from a cat, but still a step down from a baby. I need more energy in my life. At the same time I worry that I don't know enough about dogs. It would be a lifestyle change for sure, but that's a good thing right? I don't know. I've been thinking about a dog for awhile now, a couple years maybe. My husband is not so keen on the idea. We have two older cats currently and adding a dog suddenly into their comfort zone might not be a good thing. I wish I could borrow one for a week and try it out! I think a dog would motivate me to get out there and start walking. I wish I was better at putting my thoughts to words, but basically I see dogs as more lively, and friendly than cats and a step in the right direction. Then again I could be way off base here.

Today's Collage

Just a little note with today's collage... As I try to narrow down my style, I am starting to notice a trend, I really like browns and greys together. I love natural wood, leather, shells and otherwise natural, neutral colors. This is good because I typically love everything and anything. I have always had a hard time decorating because I want to jumble everything up together. I plan to be in this home for a long time, and really want to make it stylish and homey.

Red again?

Should I go red again with my hair? There is just something about that color.

Who am I?

My mind is going a million places today. There is this quote that got my mind going..."Create a vision of who you want to be, and then live into that picture as if it were already true." I've said before I live in my head and one of my goals this year is to live a real life. I've been doing some thinking about who I want to be. Today I took a walk, and though I was tired, I did not sleep all day. That is a big start for me. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. I don't know why. I just really want one. I drew an idea out on my wrist of three bird silhouettes. I need to make a few adjustments, but still I wonder... will I love it forever? I can't stay focused today. I don't even know what to say. Here is a creation I made on my ipad today...